My sister likes to read those books where the vampires almost make out with that one girl that everyone in the town loves. My favourite thing to do is read a paragraph dramatically and append “as he slowly unbuttoned his shirt” to it. It turns a terrible teen romance novel into a terrible adult romance novel with striking effectiveness. Needless to say, I am no longer allowed to read those books in her presence.

I can still make fun of vampires though, which is good fun. I want to see a vampire drama where the vampires try to go “vegan” and wind up being slowly driven mad and killing the people they love in bloodlust. Then they snap out of it and are super upset. Most of my dislike for vampire dramas stems from them either romanticising the idea of being a monster to the point of declawing the idea of a creature that needs human blood to survive, or just turning vampires into another semi-intelligent monster that has to be killed. Overly humanised vampires are whiny and overdramatic. “Monster” vampires are boring. Sociopath vampires would be amazing. Especially since a good bit of actual vampire lore centers around mind control. Think of the tragedies that could be written instead of all those forced happy endings.

Of course, a lot of people consume much more vampire media than I do, and I’m sure I will be pointed to several series that I’m overlooking because of my near-outright refusal to watch modern vampire movies.